so many days have i kept things to myself, and now i'm overflowing with so much anger and depression. A hint of happiness isn't always good, it sometimes, or mabye most of the time coveys a bad occurence after,and that is true for what i know.

for some time cristian and i were on somewhat good terms, we weren't arguing, nor do we sweet talk, just in between. I've noticed that whenever i see him and finally talk to him in person, its like an addiction, all of my worries and rants vanishes and all i know is that he's here with me and i'm happy, but at the same time sad. Why? 'cause its a fact that this wouldn't last as long as i wanted it to, he'll leave me as soon as the train reaches our goal. Then last saturday we kinda argued about something i dunno about exactly, all i know is that i'm somewhat guilty because its my fault we weren't able to go out that one possible day. What's the big deal you say? one is that its the only time of the week he is free for the whole day, second our monthsary was coming up monday and i totally slipped it off my calendar...my fault. Well you couldn't blame me, we hadn't celebrated any ever since we got together, how would i expect now?? okay so i tried to make it up to him, tried to find some possible meeting so that i could be with him for at least;

while we couldn't decide on anything yet, i hinted that he's not conversing the way he used to be with me... not that it has that much difference, but i know there's  something, so i asked him if everything is all right? kung galit ba siya? he said "ewan, kung tatawa ba ako o maaasar..."  i really didn't  know what was he talking about but then again, i just said sorry to him. What came next was so unexpected. He asked me if i wanted to start all over again, restart our relationship and begin fresh. He said he had given a bit of thought on those things i told him about before, thank God, and he wanted to start again...from the start.

In the shallow view of things, you might just consider this like 'ooohh he's so sweeeet...' but, doesn't this also sound like he's breaking up? so i asked him if that's what he meant. And gladly he said that we wont break up its just that he realized his irresponsibility and wanted to court me again even though we're already together. Nice, but why did he have to tell me?? He should've had jus done it didn't he?? The good news that was just sprouting in my ears suddenly withered when he said, "...paliligayahin kta pg naisip ko na kung pano," WHAT THE HECK?! is he mad??? is he insane!??!?! GUYS could you give me an opinion in this behaviour?!?!am i just overreacting or is he sooo St**id!!! arrrghhh.... haaaay,

I kept my head cool and thought of something else instead of frustrating myself with his annoying stupidity... I asked him if i could just go with him on the train to manila, at least that time alone could somehow fix the damage and time lost, but guess what he said to me? ..."wag ka na lang pumunta, mejo makakaabala ka eh," IS THIS GUY INSENSITIVE OR WHAT?! how rude, even though i have small faults do i have deserve this kind of treatment? :((  I couldn't answer at all, so i left it at that.

Am i doing the right thing by giving him a chance and some time to prove his worth to me?even though he's obviously killing me with the way he acts??? Or is it time for me to give judgement and move on? uuuuurrghh.......

What is paranoia? what is the truth? What do you believe in? What is right? What is wrong? In a relationship built within a period of time with no other basis other than that certain feeling that made all the difference, would there be unity? When your minds and opinions dont meet, would there be compromise? This debate never ends, and i'm still trying to figure out where should i put myself in this connection.

I am certain that i do love him. I Love Him. But how can you explain my feelings toward this guy when...he keeps on making me feel unwanted. In our situation, i fully am aware and understand that he has responsibilities he needs to attend to, i do too. We have our own separate worlds before we even met, so there's no problem about it. He calls every now and then, and always check on me after his training through text. What bother's me is that he never, never...NEVER make it to see me. I mean, c'mon I'm his girlfriend, WHY doesn't he want to see me?? See what i mean, its just that no matter how i try to comprehend, its just so unrealistic. Even though he has this excuse of being not a romatic person, cmon, i'm already questioning if he really is a guy here. Because a normal guy who is in love wouldn't be acting the way he is to me.... I mean, normally a guy who fell in love with a female would firstly want to be with her most of the time. Even if that guy is the uptight type, he'd surely find a way to spend even the tiniest bit of time with his girl for the day. Even if its just walking together to the train, eating together for lunch, walking you to your next class, going home together, or just dropping by his girl's house after training....it would mean a lot to his girl... it would mean a lot to me...

He asks, what would make me happy? There's a simple straight answer to that, but im afraid that if i said it to him he'd probably just ignore it or he'd be pushed to do it against his will. I'd be very happy if he'd just spend some time with me, even for just a few minutes in a day or a few seconds in an hour...

I know for a fact that i couldn't possibly know exactly what is it like to be in his place, to do what he has to do every day of his life, but one thing i know for sure. I'd never let a day pass without seeing the person i love and make him feel how much i love him.

Am i at fault here?I try to give him chances but he keeps on ignoring it... ako na nga yung lumalapit pero lumalayo parin siya.... ano ba talaga ang gusto niya?

it happened last may 17,2008 at malabon, quezon city. For the first time in months i had another face to face encounter with paint and a brush. The celebrant's name was mayo(a boy) and his birthday's theme was finding nemo; haha he's very makulit. The reason why we're there is that we had an invitation to do face painting for the kids to enjoy as part of the party's main attraction. At first i didn't know what to expect, the last time i had this kind of gig the kids are afraid to dirty their face so it wasn't that much fun then. Arriving late than scheduled, maqui, abby, maki, dex and i lazed around the house to try and make a sample on maqui's nieces. When we got to the venue, it was like all eyes are on us haha. After we got seated and started working on our first clients, everything went to a fast blur. As far as i remember when we got to the venue, there were lots of people, tables, chair and ofcourse food. When we finished after a while, i saw no one's left.haha, as in no one. No more tables, no more clowns, no more chairs, and no more food. Oh my time do fly, haha. To sum it all up the gig was a success 'cause the kids were so enthusiastic and game for it we didn't even notice the people disappearing. It was tiring but surely it was fun, the experience was memorable and i'm hoping for a lot more of that to come our way...hehe

here are the out takes of the gig..^^
photo out takes

In addition to this wonderfully dull life of mine, I've been lingering on the dark world again. I dont know why but i truly admire the world i sink into when i read novels about vampires, specially anne rice's chronicles, but recently i've devoured my nights (even days too) reading stephenie meyer's sequels. It didn't take me that long though, i just can't put the book down without too much effort and will power. The other two books aren't out yet but i just finished the first two, and i simply want to read the rest of the text more; haha. Like any other best sellers, good writers do know how to enthrall readers into their story, making them appear on the same page as they are in their thoughts as they write. Truly amazing.

I feel nice today, maybe because i had some big dosage of a fresh companion and a ton of laughter throughout the day. This new companion actually saved me from what i thought was burrying me six feet under and i couldn't be more thankful that he brought me up to see the sun again. Not that it means anything to him, i'm just thankful cause i've got a new friend. I've been feeling alone for the last few months because of some reasons that still bother me until now. I knew i needed a lift and he was just what i needed. Being left out really bothers me, cause ever since then i've been so aloof and distant, even with people i usually am with. I've struggled to get through the walls, my walls, that strained me from reaching out, and though i wasn't actually successful i thought i have big chances of breaking through, but lately all those effort seem to deteriorate little by little. First was this boyfriend i dont understand completely, then this ex of mine who bugs me more often than he should spend his time keeping his distance, my family issues, my own issues, I cant stay the way i am now but i dont know how to start things right. Somehow i needed to see some new light into my life, put a motion into it, and taking this step would mean destruction to many relationships that's struggling to hold in once piece.

there are things not meant to be done and things happen for a reason, i believe so. I thank the hidden gift given to me, unconciously i'm saved. The try-outs turned to be good, there were three top players eyed by coach dejeve and most likely the two time toby's cup champion would be admitted to the team. As for me i didn't go, first of all i was damn sick cause after playing hard the original day of the try-outs i got soaked in rain and so in the end i had fever; and more importantly, i was really no match for those players anyway.

I've realized some things should be left as they is for the time being, no need to rush things and just watch how it will slowly develop. After that event with the try-outs, i thought i'm pushing my boyfriend too hard this summer. Hey, he's not a player for nothing isn't he? He's one of the top players in their team, and being the co-captain, he must be going through hard obstacles. I still think that he's unfair though, i discovered that he's super biased when it comes to his coach and sport versus other things. He only recognizes tabletennis to be important and needed to be prioritizes, duhhhhh, why did i say this? yesterday he went to an optometrist because he had a check-up. 'The line is long and its eating up his time..' he said, what i noticed is he's very impatient with other important things like this. Another instance is that one time he waited for my class to end, for maybe an hour or less, and he ranted to me like he waited for a hundred years, sigh. But then every time that he's waiting for his "COACH" even if it takes a millenium he wouldn't even mind!!!damn sigh... i hate this feeling... =(

yesterday was all out down pour. I woke up only to find out i was super late for my try-outs and that there's no possible way to get there faster. What's more embarrassing is my friend counted on me yesterday coz i have our things for play, im so messed up. Luckily the event was moved today at noon, and if you may ask why i'm here typing this incident now?well that's because i decided to play out of the university instead, no need to gain our university's name, i just wanna play and that's what counts. Furhtermore, i am sick cause after playing almost the whole day yesterday, i got soaked in rain and i guess its bad for your body..

everything just went wrong yesterday, i woke up late, the try-outs got cancelled, later i discovered the things i brought for play was all jammed up and didn't match at all (sa sobrang pagmamadali) like i brought 2 different kinds of right foot rubbershoes which i couldn't use at all!!, the money i withdrawn from my atm disappeared (that was supposed to be used to buy a gift for my friend's birthday, luckily my friend lent me some cash...), it rained most of the time, my bf made me cry again, and i got scolded for coming home so late burning with fever... sigh

okaaaay, why did he made me cry? its not that big of an issue but with me and the situation as it is, its a big deal for me i guess...I went to the university to check up on him even though i'm so tired and not feeling so well, then i sent him a message to meet me up near their gym... wala naman kasi siyang ginagawa nun, hinihintay lang daw niya ang $#%!!& coach niya, and liit na lang ng distansiya namin bakit kahit magpakita manlang siya sakin di niya magawa?i travelled for almost two hours just to see him, but what did he do? ako na nga lumalapit eh, but still ganito? nagsinungaling pa tlga siya sakin about his whereabouts and why didn't he come....

luckily i was confined within the walls of my friend's car.... nagulat nalang siya tumutulo na luha ko...tsk.

ano na ba talaga? pagod na din ako eh, ano pa ba gagawin ko?

its been two days.... wala parin siyang paramdam, not one text or call. hay, PRIDE's in the way kaya di ko siya matext, but i'm so worried...bothered.. anu na nangyari sa kanya?may sakit ba siya or something? haaaaaaaaaaay...

im so nervous... tomorrow's the big day, and yet i still fell unprepared. waaaah, alright i know that what it's called serves it meaning all out, but my head's really crashing and my heart's like pumping out of my chest... what am i so nervous about? its just try-outs for university varsity big deal noh? waaaah, at some thought i really wanna get in but im so hesitant if i could keep up the deal... sigh, that's why there's try-outs dummy... xet im talking to myslef again... ugh, wish me good tom... oh no...

 

 T_____________________________________________________________T

Couldn't i be bothered by anything else other than relationship problems? I know, but there's nothing more complex than people's relationships, how they work, how they build up and how they break-up. Its funny to think that if you'll analyze different situations it all seem the same, but its not, ironic isn't it? Depending on how each person felt made all the difference, and that what made it interesting.

I know myself better than anyone else, that's because im no more honest to myself than to anybody alive. I'm a selfish being, and i know that im not the first i guess. Its just that, one thing bugs me... i dont know if its jealousy or insecurity, but i feel really weird. I'm just an average type of girl with looks you wouldn't notice even if anything embarassing like tripping in front of a crowd. I always seem to attract beautiful friends though, they have this angel like features that can intimidate average beings like me alot. Honestly i enjoy these creatures company, but when the time comes that there's an unannounced competition, i really feel down and unmatched. It's annoying you know, and i get irritated easily. I'm a bad bad evil person at times like these, and i shouldn't be proud of it. My mind's like poison, i always neutral myself so i could jump from one judgement to another minding if i were wrong. And so i am a safe player, a coward that is...tsk. And that's why i'm writing about this.

I always looked up to people gifted with this striking appearance that could melt stone hard insides, and i wanted to become something like them too, only with my own identity but i couldn't seem to be consistent. I care about what people say too much, it sucks. I'm actually torn between uncertainty and friendship. Its just that, this friend of mine whom i am with most of the time had become attached to me at some point and somehow i've thought about him more often that i should. I've been calling him up for help, advice, companionship, etc. and thankful as i am, he was always there. I'm afraid to think that this might develop into something more than a brotherly affection since i think of him as an older brother taking care of a younger sister. I'm fully aware that he had his eyes on someone else, though he'd been rejected, Im not dumb not to know that he's still waiting for a sign, or more likely a chance and taking his stance slowly back to that else's ground. But i couldn't deny that i once thought, why couldn't he just.... love me instead?

but then again, what am i compared to the girl he loved? NOTHING. so, i shouldn't be foolish and think nonsense... besides, he wouldn't be happy with someone like me, no, cause he desreves to be happy, and with me, there's not much laughter, but mostly sadness and melancholy...

nothing new, i'm just sad as always... i cant find anyone whom i could talk to. Nahihiya na ako dun sa taong parating nakikinig sa mga nonsense kong ngawa... kadalasan naman wla din akong masabi dahil paulit ulit lang naman ang dahilan kung bakit ako malungkot. Naguguluhan ako, paano ko ba malalaman kung alin ang tama sa mali? nagtatalo ang puso't isip ko, sa t'wing sasapit ang hating gabi parati nalang bumubuhos ang mga mabibigat na pasaning gumugulo saking guni guni... mabigat nga ba? sabi nila depende sa tao ang pagdadala ng problema, nasasaiyo kung pagagaanin mo o lalong pabibigatin. Ano nga ba ang dapat kong gawin? ako ba ang nagkamali sa paghusga ko sakanya?o sapat lang na inisip ko ang sarili kong lagay? sadyang utak ko nga lang ba ang lumalason sa relasyon namin, o di na talaga makakaila na may mali sa kinalalagyan naming dalawa? Ano kaya ang nararamdaman niya sa tuwing inilalabas ko ang hinanakit ko? Bakit sa tuwing maglalabas ako ng sama ng loob tila wala siyang reaksyon at binabaling na lang parati sa iba ang atensyon? Ano ba ang pagkukulang ko sa kanya?ano ba ang mali sakin?

Ano ba ang tama? ano ba ang mali? sabi nila ang sagot ay hango sa sitwasyon niyong magsingirog. Humigit kumulang siyam na linggo na mula nung binigay ko sakanya ang pangakong kami lang dalawa, ngunit kahit na ilang beses niyang banggitin na mahal niya ako, bakit sa likod ng pintig ng puso ko may pagaalinlangang nagtatanong kung tama ba ito? Lalong lumakas ang daing ng pagkalito dahil sa mga kinikilos niyang tila hindi wasto... Hindi ba't kapag ika'y nagmahal mas nanaisin mong makasama bawat sandali ang mahal mo? hindi ba't kung ika'y nagmahal makakayanan mong isantabi ang kahit na anong mahalaga dahil higit na importante sayo ang mahal mo? Kapag ikaw ba ay nagmahal matitiis mong di makita o marinig man lang ang tinig ng iyong mahal sa bawat pagsapit ng dilim? Kung ikaw ay nagmamahal ng totoo hahayaan mo lang ba magisa ang mahal mo? Maraming paraan upang ang puwang ay matugunan at di maiwang nakatiwangwang ngunit kung ang puso'y nagalinlangan at taliwas sa kagustuhan nariyan ang rason upang di matugunan. Tama naman hindi ba?dahil nariyan ang kasabihang kung gusto may paraan, kung ayaw may dahilan.

Sumagi nadin sa aking isip na maaaring nagkamali ako, na niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko sa paniniwalang siyang purong totoo. Ang daming tanong, kung bakit pa naramdaman ko ito samantalang sa simula't simula pa lamang ay ganito na ang nakikita ko. Inakala ko noon na maaaring hadlang ang pagiging magkaibigan namin, kaya't di niya maipakita ng husto ang nararamdaman niya kung kaya't napagdesisyunan kong isugal ang damdamin ko para sa kanya. Ngunit nabigo ako sa pagaakalang iyon, lalo siyang nalayo saakin, lumaki ang pagitan naming dalwa, at habang tumatagal ito'y tila isang tinik saking puso na unti unting bumabaon pa lalo. Ang sakit dahil bakit ganoon siya?konting atensyon lang naman ang hanap ko, yung makasama siya tuwing magisa ako, na mahagkan siya tuwing malungkot ako... simpleng mga hiling ngunit hindi matupad.

Alam kong nagkasala din ako sakanya. Sa dalas ng aking pagiisip, alam kong nasasaktan ko nadin siya, pero hanggang ngayon wala pading reaksyon galing sakanya. Tila wala siyang pakialam, ano ba ang kelangan kong gawin? Sa pagnanais kong maramdaman niya ang nararamdaman ko sa paraang katulad ng sakanya, napagtanto kong maaaring may hinanakit na din siya, pero bakit di niya ito ipaalam sakin?nang magkaunawaan na kami, ganito ba talaga ang nais niya? na halos di kami naguusap at sa haba ng panahon ay di man lang nagkikita samantalang napakalapit lang ng distansya naming dalwa? bakit ganon? Di ba ako sapat sakanya? kung di ako sapat bakit pa niya ninakaw ang puso ko?kung ang intensyon naman niya ay durugin ito?bakit hindi nalang niya hinayaang mabuhay ako? ....pinapatay niya ako at hindi pa niya nalalaman na sa sandaling panahon maglalaho na ang tunog ng pintig na nagpapahiwatig  sakin ng  pagasa.

Mali ba ako sa pagiisip ng ganito? Nariyan din kasi  ang pilosopiyang  kung mahal  mo ang isang tao, kahit gaano kasakit ang  ranasin mo ay makakayanan mo wag ka lang malayo sa piluing ng mahal mo. Eh ang kaso nasasaktan ka nga dahil tila ayaw ng mahal mo na makasama ka, ano pa ba ang dapat kong gawin? Sabihin mo nga sakin...